I took the elevator to the fourth floor and walked to my apartment in therear. There were four apartments on each floor, two in front of thebuilding and two in the rear. The advantage of living in the rear was aview of Coit Tower and North Beach. Living in front gave you a view of thepark across the street and the romantic cable cars passing by every fifteenminutes. The neighbors in front said they got used to the sound, but Ithink they would have been more than happy to exchange apartments.It was five forty five when I closed the front door and I had no idea ofwhat to wear. Making a frantic dash to my bedroom I threw open my closetdoor and started to throw casual clothing on the bed, skirts, blouse andsweaters. Even a few dresses found their way to the pile. Now I could tryto figure out what to wear that Dave would be impressed with.Dave had said to wear something casual. Casual to one person is slovenly toanother, and I wasn't going to take a chance of blowing our first date bynot. I didn't spend my days listening to dark harpsichord music or making practice cuts up and down my arms. I didn't do drugs, and I drank only socially. I was well adjusted and, by all appearances, happy.Except I wasn't. I don't think I ever had been.I watched happy people and tried to figure out how they were happy. Not why. The why was the easy part. You have money in your pocket and a good- looking guy to hang on to, ergo, you're happy. You have an orgasm most of the time and you have perky tits, ergo, you're happy. You have a home, and a job, and enough money left over at the end of the month for some nice new outfits, ergo, you're happy. You drive your car to your middle- management job and come home at night to your two-point-five tow-headed children and loving spouse, ergo, you're happy. Those are the whys. It was the hows I didn't get.Happy people always seemed so natural. They just seemed to have "happy" as a part of their skin. I remember, I must have been eight or.
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