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I did have the home videos that the three of you left behind when you moved out and I had them converted to DVD and kept playing them for 10 long years. During the last days of your mother's cheating I had put a tap on the phone and I had hours of recordings of you, my children, talking to their friends, these were the only sounds that played in the house. When I heard your voices I was able to pretend for a moment that you were still around.I know you must be thinking what pathetic loser lives his life like that. My answer is no one lives like that and neither did I. I died the day I found the gifts l sent to Sue left at my doorsteps. I have been existing but only because I was too weak to take my own life. I know this letter will give you many sleepless nights but really, you were just kids who did not know better. Don't beat yourself over it.I have lived through many nights when I would think that people offered mercy to rabid dogs and hoped that my children would even show as much. They avoided looking at eachother at all. It was as if they could only bear the sight of each otherindirectly, the way you were supposed to observe a total eclipse.Moments earlier, crossing the linoleum floors, Marcia sensed Claire'sannoyance. It took her a few moments to understand its source. She hadn'thadn't offered to wheel Claire's bags. As another woman, not to mentionone who now outweighed her by a good twenty pounds, there was no reasonfor Claire to expect Marcia to make such an offer. Still, Claire hadexpected it and the reason was clear. If Claire registered the notion ofMarcia-as-woman at all, it was only as another in the endless list ofways that her ex had disappointed her. How he or she or whatever her exwas supposed to be now had proven to be of absolutely no use to her.Marcia may have changed radically over the intervening years but it wasdepressing to realize that the basic dynamics that governed herrelationship with Claire hadn't changed at all. Marcia was still.
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