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Anyway, why were you walking down the beach on a day like this, crying?"I was a bit taken aback with her directness, "You don't mess around do you?" She smiled again."Do you need a bunch of small talk?" I shook my head, no. "I didn't think so, you looked very sad out there and I felt you needed a shoulder to cry on; somebody to talk to?"I took a deep breath and started, "OK! The last time I was on that stretch of beach I was with a lady; a lady I thought I loved very much." I don't know if it was because this lovely woman sitting with me was older than I was, or if it was just her easy manner that helped me open up, but I found myself sharing with her far more than I normally would tell a stranger. I continued, "All of my life I've been really shy - a book worm - a nerd." I hung my head with that admission.Heather leaned over and patted the top of my hand, "But you are a handsome nerd," and even though we both laughed I was a little embarrassed."I have never felt really comfortable. Jason and Andrea were a couple, and I was told later that Ernie was "available". I knew what that meant, but I avoided coming right out and saying I wasn't interested in him.I wanted to be friendly but I didn't want people to get too close; I had a secret to keep and used every opportunity to keep it concealed. My secret was simple; girls obsessed me. Not pubescent girls, but mostly women older than myself. I didn't lust after every one I saw, but certain types captured my eye and my heart. In Kansas, I'd been fond of two young teachers in their twenties — one was an assistant coach, the other taught Chemistry — and both had fueled my masturbatory fantasies.It was more emotional than physical. I didn't lust after a particular shape or size of breast or buttocks like the boys often do; I cared more for their attitude and personality than anything else. An aura of confidence and femininity helped, as did any personal success.I wondered what they smelled like, how it would feel to kiss.
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